Be Here Now

If I looked up the definition of integrity I am fairly certain that I would find synonyms like sincere, honest, fair along with a zillion inspirational quotes by famous people that exemplify integrity.   I have been trying to hold all my actions up to this lofty word like my life actions can be contained in a spreadsheet checklist  -tick marks weighting every action, every choice I make.  As though the whole world were watching every step I take and judging me as on or off the line of integrity.  Like I could add up my life and say  - yep she had integrity or nope she walked off the line and carries a heavy burden of shame.  Perhaps there is no gray; perhaps all actions can be deemed actions of integrity or actions of disgrace probably though the nature of being human is not this black and white.  

I watch Gromit sleep.  His giant chest cavity fills and rises as he breathes in and then lowers as he breathes out.  If I look closely his  nostrils flare with each breath.    His head, groomed looks thin and bony but his coat is soft and plush.  The steady breathing takes my focus away from the world for just a few minutes and I meditate in the quietness of his presence, his off duty self-assuredness.  Every so often he sighs and breathes out more than he breathes in.  His long snout and big black nose rest heavily on the chair or floor.  I look  at him longing to pull his calm into me,  to lay my head on his stomach and hear his heart beat and listen to his lungs expanding with the oxygen he draws in.    To focus on his moment of peace taking a break from watching and protecting the house and everyone in it from whatever might be lurking outside.

Instead my heart races and my breath starts to take off.  It is 1:30am.  I slept for a couple of hours.   This house, this bed, this room - I used to go on vacation and love coming home to this place.  So many things I had found comfort in and felt steady about have become reasons for alarm.  Reality feels fleeting here in this place that used to ground me, hold me close to the earth and myself.  I am haunted by ghosts that play at my memory.  Happy memories that I have been told were false.  The person I counted on to tell me the truth, the person I counted on to be with me through thick and thin - she bailed.   The place I knew for 19 years in my heart, is now gone.  I am still taken aback at how quickly it was dismantled both physically and mentally.  


I am surprised at how naked and stripped I feel, how absolutely violated by the words at the end. 

I know this happens a million times every day in the world.  People leave relationships and someone is devastated.  I wonder today how the world keeps hope - I see now how valuable tiny moments of connection are between people.   A phone call, a smile, a picture, a note, some flowers, a kind word - when you are devastated - they are critical to building back to a place where you see the world as compassionate.   I think the cracks of devastation really can be filled by the simplest acts of generosity and kindness. 

The routine of walking Chewie or Gromit, feeding the cats and doing the litterbox - the everyday things that need to be done and cannot be let go - they help me survive and they are steady and real and ground me.  When someone compliments something in the house that was Kristin's design I start spinning in my head and look for an animal to touch.  I know what is real in my house.  I care about the house - but what was once loved about the house is no longer meaningful not like the the tail wag of Gromit or the greeting of Chewie when I get home.  Mango nuzzling me at night while I am trying to read.  Squash waiting for dinner inside the house while I find my keys to open the door to get him his beloved canned cat food - ugh!  These things keep me grounded and these relationships I trust.  These are luxuries and these relationships have dignity. 

I recently said to my brother that I am trying to live up to the integrity in my words.   I keep trying - 

My young nieces came to stay with me for two weeks in the midst of this turmoil.  Before my youngest niece left she asked me if I thought I would ever find true love - my heart just welled up and I looked solidly and truthfully at her and said - "Oh, Taylor, there is true love all around me."  I felt strong and I felt sure about this.  And I wanted her to know this. 
  
I look back at Gromit and focus on his steady quietness - his eyes closed softly.  His feet limp.  I breath in with him and grab my laptop and start typing.   Still much more to grieve and yet Gromit and Chewie remind me there is so much more joy to grab too,  so little time to treasure the community that is still around me, my family, my friends.   Like that age old Ram Dass guy's book - Be Here Now - I am here sleeping, eating, walking, playing ball - having coffee, biking, playing cards, being with friends, with family - and moving minute by minute.  Gromit and Chewie are here with me every step I take.  They just are   -