Compassion
When we hear the other person's feeling and needs, we recognize our common humanity. -- Marshall Rosenberg
Empathy lies in our ability to be present. -- Marshall B. Rosenberg
A few years ago I took a training on communication that was based on Marshall Rosenberg's Non-violent Communication Practices. "... It is also known as Compassionate Communication, because it's about learning to listen more compassionately, and to speak in ways that are likely to inspire compassion in others. "
When I took this training I felt like my principles met my practices and choices about how I viewed the world became more apparent. I learned that to connect with someone it can help to let go of what the outcome of our connection might be. I also learned that seeing the other person's needs and connecting and meeting my needs were not exclusive. Opportunities to connect with the world instead of disengaging opened up to me. The concepts were simple and yet I found practicing them to be more difficult. I continued the study in a practice group cofacilitated by a certified trainer and an intern.
One day Kristin and I were having a disagreement about something. I can't remember exactly what it was but I remember we were both just digging in - I think I wanted to stop and pick up a card for a birthday party we were attending. I beieve my thoughts went something like this "she always calls me the ambassador of good will but she won't let me stop and let me pick out a card - this is a part of who I am she must be against me..." Oh, yeah, I just have to confess I do go this far in my thinking - I get all the way to the person who has lived with me for 13 years must be against me because I can't stop to pick out a birthday card on my way to this party.
On the other hand I can tell you that Kristin was visibly anxious and we were both a bit huffy, so to speak - I really wanted my way about this - I didn't want to show up with nothing after being graciously invited to celebrate a birthday.
So I was sitting in my bitterness thinking, I don't want to go to a party in a huffy mood - I also don't want to go in a false happy mood, and then it occurred to me, I wanted to go to the party WITH Kristin. I have to say I am still a little moved by how much kind of flooded forward when I started to try to see things from Kristin's perspective. I really felt myself shifting inside and forgot about the card and the party at all - I was more concerned that Kristin might be sitting on all the things she had to do and was trying to contain her needs around this.
As I let go of stopping to pick something up for the party - I looked up asking Kristin if she was worried about all the things she had to do and Kristin burst into tears. As soon as I started thinking about all the things she had one her plate I started to feel more connected with her and then making an extra stop seemed less important. As we talked we ended up in a compomise - leaving the party at a specific time so Kristin could count on getting home early enough. I stopped to pick up a card and we left on time and we went to the party closer and clearer. This small interaction changed our connection - it was probably only about 10 minutes of our time together. It opened up quite a bit more though.
Now this may or may not have much to do with Gromit and Chewie. I will say that in agility it is suggested that you walk every course at least three times - once to understand the flow, once to see the course from your dogs view and once to make a plan for how you will partner through the course. Gromit sees many things I miss, his brain is just faster than mine about some things. Chewie focuses in on things much more than Gromit - and is able to keep distractions at bay. I have a sense that Gromit will be fast and Chewie will be precise. Between the three of us we will git'er done -
I have tried to do enough reading to understand the world from the mind of a dog. I have found though, that you can only go so far with this. The dog's mind appears to be quite specific to the namesake. I have to see an agility course from Gromit's eye and physical attributes differently from Chewie's eye and physical attributes. So it is with all games. Gromit plays games quicker and likes to change it up. Chewie likes to play the same game until he drops from exhaustion. Then he smiles as he pants with a big hot tongue hanging out of his mouth. And understanding this helps me understand each of their motivation. The fun part - if the treats are good enough, they will both pay attention to my driving directions. The right treats appear to be the way to keep the peace on our team.
Empathy lies in our ability to be present. -- Marshall B. Rosenberg
A few years ago I took a training on communication that was based on Marshall Rosenberg's Non-violent Communication Practices. "... It is also known as Compassionate Communication, because it's about learning to listen more compassionately, and to speak in ways that are likely to inspire compassion in others. "
When I took this training I felt like my principles met my practices and choices about how I viewed the world became more apparent. I learned that to connect with someone it can help to let go of what the outcome of our connection might be. I also learned that seeing the other person's needs and connecting and meeting my needs were not exclusive. Opportunities to connect with the world instead of disengaging opened up to me. The concepts were simple and yet I found practicing them to be more difficult. I continued the study in a practice group cofacilitated by a certified trainer and an intern.
One day Kristin and I were having a disagreement about something. I can't remember exactly what it was but I remember we were both just digging in - I think I wanted to stop and pick up a card for a birthday party we were attending. I beieve my thoughts went something like this "she always calls me the ambassador of good will but she won't let me stop and let me pick out a card - this is a part of who I am she must be against me..." Oh, yeah, I just have to confess I do go this far in my thinking - I get all the way to the person who has lived with me for 13 years must be against me because I can't stop to pick out a birthday card on my way to this party.
On the other hand I can tell you that Kristin was visibly anxious and we were both a bit huffy, so to speak - I really wanted my way about this - I didn't want to show up with nothing after being graciously invited to celebrate a birthday.
So I was sitting in my bitterness thinking, I don't want to go to a party in a huffy mood - I also don't want to go in a false happy mood, and then it occurred to me, I wanted to go to the party WITH Kristin. I have to say I am still a little moved by how much kind of flooded forward when I started to try to see things from Kristin's perspective. I really felt myself shifting inside and forgot about the card and the party at all - I was more concerned that Kristin might be sitting on all the things she had to do and was trying to contain her needs around this.
As I let go of stopping to pick something up for the party - I looked up asking Kristin if she was worried about all the things she had to do and Kristin burst into tears. As soon as I started thinking about all the things she had one her plate I started to feel more connected with her and then making an extra stop seemed less important. As we talked we ended up in a compomise - leaving the party at a specific time so Kristin could count on getting home early enough. I stopped to pick up a card and we left on time and we went to the party closer and clearer. This small interaction changed our connection - it was probably only about 10 minutes of our time together. It opened up quite a bit more though.
Now this may or may not have much to do with Gromit and Chewie. I will say that in agility it is suggested that you walk every course at least three times - once to understand the flow, once to see the course from your dogs view and once to make a plan for how you will partner through the course. Gromit sees many things I miss, his brain is just faster than mine about some things. Chewie focuses in on things much more than Gromit - and is able to keep distractions at bay. I have a sense that Gromit will be fast and Chewie will be precise. Between the three of us we will git'er done -
I have tried to do enough reading to understand the world from the mind of a dog. I have found though, that you can only go so far with this. The dog's mind appears to be quite specific to the namesake. I have to see an agility course from Gromit's eye and physical attributes differently from Chewie's eye and physical attributes. So it is with all games. Gromit plays games quicker and likes to change it up. Chewie likes to play the same game until he drops from exhaustion. Then he smiles as he pants with a big hot tongue hanging out of his mouth. And understanding this helps me understand each of their motivation. The fun part - if the treats are good enough, they will both pay attention to my driving directions. The right treats appear to be the way to keep the peace on our team.
Comments
Post a Comment