And so it goes.....

I have been in mourning.  It is really quite trite, pathetic.  I can’t seem to mobilize and move on…like a big glob of apathy has settled in.  If you ask most people i know, I am able to hear feedback and quickly take action to generalize what I am learning.  It is how I learn - when I found out about clicker training and shaping for agility, why I bought a dozen clickers and placed them through the house and in dog bags so I always had one in case I needed to train a trick.  I mellowed on that one.  I can’t seem to figure out how to move right now I am not sure what I am learning.

With Nose Work - there are many kinds of nose worky things I am learning but probably the skill I keep honing with the boys is the one where I am observing them.   Paying attention to Gromit and learning when he has found the source of the scent has helped me build a better relationship with him and frankly with Chewie as well.  My patience for taking the time to ‘listen’ to Gromit has made my affinity for him grow increasingly stronger.  I wonder what it has done for him?

Last winter Chewie had some issues while we were running, and since then, we have been watching our Chewie grow increasingly lame in his back rear leg.  Our baby dog, Chewie is having hip and knee difficulties.  Unfortunately surgery is not indicated in terms of the relief that he would experience -might make it better might not, might be the same.  We could do some physical therapy, but the one that is recommended is underwater treadmill.  I can’t imagine how scared Chewie would be in this setting.  We took him to a number of vets and have done a number of things but we are pretty much on a modified activity and pain relief regimen at this point.  I am mourning the loss of the illusion that I was able to control Chewie’s comfort and health.  Sometimes his eyes are drawn and tired and when he stands he hops and stretches and limps for a few steps.  We have had to change his activities.  He can play ball but he cannot leap for his ball, he cannot drive fast to the ball following it in the air and skidding to a jolting stop, hips and backend flying up in the air, he cannot leap to catch it before it bounces.  Playing with Gromit we allow but it does takes its toll and he is sore after.  He no longer does agility.   However there are many things that he can do -

I am not talking about sickness or imminent death here.  The vet told us that Chewie could still run - a mile at the most.  When she saw my disappointment, she smiled and told me I could run him around a couple of blocks and drop him off at home and then keep on going myself.  As though this would satisfy me.  I realize there are so many things I have done and can do with Chewie.  But this one piece, our running together is the thing I miss the most.  It is so incredibly selfish.  And it surprised me.  It is not like I am a runner - I am a slow plodding clydesdale - seriously.  Since his all started I have lazed about at home - I have tried to keep doing kettle bells but not able to get out for those runs.  I have gained weight and just not cared.

Chewie was an incredible partner on the trail with me.  Chewie was the reason I could go out to secluded places and enjoy the sound of frogs, birds, cicadas, wind, my feet patting on dirt   and the vistas against blue skies or white snow.  He was what kept me from focusing on how hard it was to move my feet up a steep hill because he would race up it.  He would stop and read maps with me.  He learned to come to my side when another person or bike was coming towards us or passing us.  People would comment at how attentive he was to me - let’s face it, if you are a dog person, he was attentive to the treats - I know that.  I loved running with him on trails and letting his leash go for extra technical spots where he needed all four feet.  I loved stopping to let him take a dip in a lake or river when it was hot.  He would wade in and lay down being very careful to never swim.  I loved it when he would sniff out tracks or some wild life scat or hop backwards when a wave would lap up loudly on the shoreline. I loved that he was always excited when I pulled out his purple running harness.   Who doesn’t love a happy dog?  I loved that he was happy when we arrived home and he would dance about with Gromit after running 5, 7, 8 miles - he would come home and brag about all the places he had been and snort at Gromit.

I just stopped running - i just started to hate the thought of it - because I get dressed and he runs upstairs and hangs at the edge of the bed waiting to go with me and I remember and i just don’t feel like going - it is really pathetic.

So what am I gonna do?  I don’t know - winter is here.  I love running in the cold - it is crazy I know but I am not a heat miser - I prefer dressing in layers and getting hot and tolerating the winter. 

Chewie has lost weight and is on pain meds.  He is more consistently happy than I can remember even with the limping which finally has started to be less often.  He plays with Gromit every single day.  We modified his ball game to play hide and seek with his tennis balls instead of fetch and his tail wags furiously as he sniffs them out and brings them to me.  I think the new regimen has given him some relief.  His eyes went from tired and dull to bright and shiny.  We started doing nose work and he loves a good job.

I want to use this for my motivation to get out of the chair again.  But it is so hard to leave the house alone…and so it goes....