The Best is Mine

Chewie is as loyal as the day is long.   I never have to find Chewie or wonder where he has wandered off to.  He is always near.  When I wake up in the middle of the night and need to quench my thirst or grab something to eat, he finds a way to bring himself from a deep sleep to semi-conscious.  When I toss the covers back and stand up, he pushes his weight up from the bed, swinging his head into the air,  he pulls his shoulders up first and comes to a stunned stand on the mattress.  Like a slinky he lets gravity pull him off the bed and thumping to the floor with his front paws and quick following back end he wakes himself up.  He silently trods up and down the stairs with me as just like his genetic ball fetching - as though this is what he was born for, to be at my side. 
He and I are almost at the end of a year of mourning, he has been by my side no matter my mood, no matter the time, no matter the game.  He adored Kristin.  He will always adore her.  Who does really deserves this companionship?  Who deserves anything really? Isn't life the gift?  I can't help but think how lucky I am to have Gromit and Chewie beside me every night and every morning.    I am steadily finding the ground again with my feet.
I am getting ready to pay the final installment of money from our assets.  I had a therapist that used to say you do with your money as you do with your love.  It annoyed the hell out of me - I found it rather offensive to use money and love in the same sentence.  In this case, though it feels so true.   I have never thought I deserved the money I make nor the job I have nor the relationships in my life.   Well if giving money means I am giving love - there you go, I give it up to the universe.
I have always payed attention to tipping and wanting to hold on to money.  It has always been this pull between letting go of something I try so hard to control that ends up being the cause of so much anxiety and fear.  I find that when I am not desperate with money my whole life seems to lighten a little bit.  If I think I have enough to give up some it seems like I have enough in life too and I have some life to give and giving is easier.  So tipping generously always seems to come back to me in good ways. 
It is hard to know that this is what it comes down to and the way to clean up my life and move on means paying her.  Maybe somehow giving this hardest piece, the one where I have to go into debt to pay her  - well maybe sending out something hard to give up will resolve something inside me ?  Anyway, if I think I can pull this off, if I can find a way to remind myself I have enough for this frustrating moment, then maybe I can pull off feeling like I am enough.  The truth is I still feel indebted and less than worthwhile in the universe.  And as much as I want to blame Kristin for these feelings, that only works for so long - this is my life.  Like it or not I have it back in full force.  I swing back and forth between feeling utterly sorry for myself to feeling strong and independent. 
Chewie never seems to doubt his role to be present and steady.  Gromit never seems to tire of me.  I wonder if anyone else has the same sense of joy I get when I come in the front door after a run.  I leave and am back within about an hour and the dogs greet me at the door, with tails in the air, barking quips of hello.  They snort and rub against me and lick my salty skin.  Then they play bow and one rolls on the floor and they skitter back and forth on the worn wood floors and snap their teeth playfully.  My entry back into the house makes them play together.  They smile and snort and nuzzle their noses into my side both of them at once.   I scratch their ears and they let out a moan.  They arc their bodies and swing their hips around for a scratch on the back end.  They have no money, they have themselves, their instinct and it has turned out to be the best for me.  In the end - the best is mine   - because I have Gromit and Chewie.    They never wonder if they are enough.  They don't care what I do as long as I keep coming home to them.  Oh, well there is dinner too - they do like their dinner.  I can retire as long as I keep providing dinner.
Sleep well - sweet Chewie - sleep well